voxetoile.internalbleeding

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tales from the basement of the walter b. ford

there’s is a “mobile HIV testing unit” parked here at school today. laura and i went to lunch, we came back and she asked what it was. i said, “if i had AIDS, i wouldn’t want to find out in a FUCKING VAN.”

i’ve been working incessantly on my art. it’s a good feeling. i generally feel like a different person now that the oppressive technicolor shithole isn’t a part of my life. as strange as it sounds, i don’t mind admitting that this is the first time i’ve actually felt like an adult. i answer to no one, i am completely responsible for my own actions, i’m not tied down by anything except school. or maybe i am truly getting to know myself, and i only had a faint grasp of my own identity but it was clouded by those who surrounded me. living on my own was the best decision i have ever made, and i love it. when i was working in hell, i had to act like a certain person that i am not and really my own personal conflict was with that fake fucking attitude you have to put on when working with the public. i felt like every day i was just an actress playing a role that i absolutely loathed. now i hear that love song playing in my head, when arthur lee sings, “everything i’ve seen needs rearranging, and for anyone who thinks it’s strange.. then you should be the first to want to make this change, and for everyone who thinks that life is just a game, do you like the part you’re playing?”

as far as the romance novel is concerned, a tiny part of me feels bad about this somewhat recent development of using people and throwing them away. a larger part of me doesn’t care because i am upfront with everyone that i do NOT want to be in a relationship. i don’t even like these people; however, they are pretty, but quite stupid, which ensures that i will not get attached to them. jason has dubbed me an honorary gay man. i see all of these people in relationships and they are absolutely miserable and always in some kind of argument, clinging to each other like one of them is about to fall off a fucking cliff. i don’t believe in doing that to myself anymore. i don’t need those games, it’s a waste of time.. like writing this when i should be typesetting upstairs.

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feed me with your kiss

so this is what’s happening. i’ve been super sick, went to urgent care twice in a month. feeling a bit better now but it seems like every day just gets crazier and crazier. wednesday, i sat in on a critique where kevin was dressed head to toe in middle eastern dress.. whatever the technical term is. he started playing music and then ripped the dress off.. revealing nothing but a jock strap and purple corset. he was dancing around in his heels with his head covering on. i saw his asshole a million times, and there is video footage of me yelling, “LAURA. YOU JUST GOT TEABAGGED DUDE.” a conversation before that with chad established the term “cannibalistic enema.” i was making prints for 12 hours that day, ahhh and there is kevin walking by my window right now. speak of the devil. i can’t believe how many people are here at school on saturday. we’re all sick in the head.

so i’m mainly writing to purge out this entire mess i have made due to drunken and high antics. a confessional, if you will. i saw alice yesterday night, she and i made out a few weeks ago. then she was afraid to talk to me at school, even though we witnessed that kevin performance together because that critique was for her class. then she lays all of this crazy shit on me yesterday night about how she’s had a crush on me for a long time, she feels like she has a connection with me and hasn’t felt that way about anyone in a long time, and that she broke up with her boyfriend because she made out with me, then starts begging me to go home with her. meanwhile, josh is sitting on the other fucking side of me listening to this shit and it turns into, “why the fuck are you with him? why are you going home with him? we can have a conversation about shit that he will never even know about.”

i said, “oh yeah, like what?”

“the pope.” the fucking pope?! it turned into this whole ridiculous tug-of-war situation of her kissing me when he wasn’t around, then when she would leave he would be kissing me.. she would walk by and get all pissed off like she owned me. meanwhile, i am doing this as some kind of outlandish show to possibly irritate kevin. this garbage is spiraling out of control. every weekend it’s the same thing of “why are you with so and so, you should be with me.” i don’t want any of them. i’m playing stupid games. AND I’M GOING TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT.

anyway, i’m going to do what i came here to do and get to typesetting. my print is going to be in a worldwide online archive for the mutanabbi street project, i was the only one chosen from my class. let’s do this.

i’m having a party next saturday, FUCKING COME TO IT. everyone is still talking about the last one.

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from the second floor of the kresge building

“i have earned my place in heaven sucking dicks while on the rag and listening to fucking tony wail like a deranged fred schnieder.” -a text message from yours truly

more to come later! hopefully this hot shot visiting artist leaves so i can go get some food. i am ravenous. she had nice things to say about my work. i was amused that she didn’t realize a self-portrait i had taken was of me. overall, she liked what i am doing which is rare because i get nothing but shit in this place.

i did quit my job, and it’s a wonderful feeling. i highly recommend it.

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bon anniversaire

i’m 29. it doesn’t seem all that different than 28, probably because i’ve been telling people i’m 29 for a while now to elicit some kind of knee-jerk reaction. everyone seems to think i’m 21, or 22. this weekend was both fantastic and insane. i will begin with thursday, wherein i picked up rachel. she had made some delicious brussell sprouts for me at her house, which was nice. she’s the only person who cooks for me, aside from jason. people are generally petrified to cook vegetables. i had been sick as fuck all week, but by friday, i was at about 95 percent.

my birthday party was a lot of fun. since everyone was smoking in my hallway, the door to my loft was open and a cat walked in. following the cat was one of the dudes in my music history class. i found out today that dalia took a picture of this guy with his cat which cracked me the fuck up. the most controversial moment of the party.. well i don’t really have a segue. “first we take manhattan” started playing and i don’t know why, but in a room full of people i felt really alone because i was excited to hear this song, and i realized i was the only person who probably knew it. it was this really strange feeling, because i was so thrilled up until that very second, and that song sort of cut through everything that had happened and that was going on. i remember looking down at the floor, and then all of a sudden, eamon is right in my face saying, “leonard cohen is the greatest songwriter of all time” with this really intense sincerity. then he starts yelling, “COME ON, JENN” and heads for my ladder.

i must preface the rest of this story by describing the logistics of things. there is this wooden ladder that’s propped up against the window on the back wall of my loft. you have to climb the ladder in order to open or close this window. however, you can also go outside of the window if you are absolutely insane or completely self-destructive. there is a ledge of about five inches, and when you look down, it drops straight to the ground (i’m guessing at least 50 feet). there is a shitty wooden plank that is propped up between my building and the neighboring building, and again, if you are nuts, you can walk across this plank onto the roof of the building.

i was so caught up in this moment that i followed eamon up the ladder. everyone was screaming and freaking out. jason came up behind me and here i was on this ledge, eamon is holding my right hand and pulling me, jason is behind me on the ladder trying to pull me back in. i stood there for what seemed like twenty minutes, but i’m sure it was only a moment. eamon just kept saying, “I WON’T LET YOU FALL” over and over. i finally went for it. we were up there on top of the building running around, i was jumping in all of these puddles on the roof. there was a really beautiful view of detroit. there was a guy looking out his window on the telephone and i was convinced that he was calling the cops. i was dressed as janis joplin with this crazy pink feather boa on my head, and eamon was john lennon. i can only imagine what this looked like, especially with jason periodically coming onto the roof in his hannibal lechter costume, complete with straight jacket, trying to convince me to come back in. he wasn’t afraid, he knew everything was fine but he said everyone was freaking out inside. i remember rachel coming up too, which is absolutely shocking because she had to overcome some pretty serious fear to even come up there. i had to talk eamon into coming back in, he had already jumped over to another roof.

it really was amazing up there. that’s all i can say. i really felt alive.

there was a bit of drama because benjamin showed up and i don’t know why, because i hadn’t seen him in three months and some people just don’t get the fucking hint. i was getting cockblocked from every single angle. his very presence was annoying me. he also thought he was going to stay the night with me and i basically told him off. part of me feels bad about how blunt i was, but it needed to happen. some people, no matter how many times you tell them, will never accept that they are just tricks and that’s it.

jason’s party on halloween was sweet. some of my people even showed up to it, which was nice. we talked about how i am going to quit my job, and i’ve gotten the green light from everyone. i didn’t stick around there too long because for some reason i just felt kind of awkward, and josh wanted me to come to city club. plus, i’d run into kevin the night before, he said he was also going to be there. i knew this was going to get fucking messy and i was so glad to see that place was completely packed. i ran into josh right away, then had to do this juggling act of saying i was going to the bathroom in order to talk to someone else.. like some kind of ninja whore. then jay is talking about showing up with his girlfriend and how we wants to meet my “significant other.” what the fuck is that, some kind of sick joke? i don’t even get that. so i said hello to him. sometimes i have no idea what the hell people want from me. i found kevin again and he was talking to some chick, which irritated me at this point. his friend randy, who was dressed as robin, came up to me and started apologizing for kevin, then he started saying, “so i want you to know i really respect you because you’re vegan. i really respect that” then he fucking leaned in to kiss me, and i dodged it artfully so that he ended up kissing my nose. i don’t know why but i just started running. i saw josh and said, “let’s get the fuck out of here, this place is getting to me.” we went back to my loft, i didn’t go to sleep until 8am.

i spent yesterday night in an urgent care facility for another horrible urinary tract infection.

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and if you have five seconds to spare, then i’ll tell you the story of my life

i’m entertaining the idea of quitting my job on my birthday. i could give a million reasons why, but it’s been a long time coming and i’ve had enough. i can’t do it anymore. it would be the best birthday present i could give myself.

my life has been getting crazier by the day. this past weekend featured some debauchery that was really just over the top… which i’m sure is the reason why i am sick now. my actions seemed like they weren’t coming from me anymore. maybe i am changing. i didn’t know it was possible to give even less of a shit than i already do. my artwork has become ridiculously blunt. i’m understanding what it is to really “put yourself out there,” which makes criticism painful, when it never was before.

i am hungry.

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everybody knows

at school. it’s strange, all of my conversations are mostly about art now. i was just sitting here talking to chad in the library while i was doing research on making marionettes and time lapse videos, we were talking about a certain art star at my school.. it’s funny that he shares the same opinion i do. “i don’t want to be anybody’s igor,” he said. they corral these young kids and punch them until they’re in a corner, then make them do the same work over and over again. they become these one-trick ponies, little art robot puppets. this is why i want to make a marionette of myself. whoever comes into my studio can just pick it up and make it say whatever they want, and have it nod in agreement.

my perspective has really changed since moving to detroit, it can be pretty depressing here. i went to cvs yesterday and this girl about my age was begging me for money and she told me she was 5 months pregnant. that was really uplifting. i’m starting to resent the suburbs and this attitude of detroit being some kind of novelty. it’s a very strange ghost town.

i’m really enjoying my printmaking class. i spent a good 9 hours in the printmaking studio on friday. dan came in and was digging on my print, i’m getting a lot of good feedback on it. i have to run, going to lunch with laura.

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this is what it sounds like when doves cry

i couldn’t even recall the password to login here. that’s pretty bad. i’ve been doing a lot of artwork lately, started a self-portrait and will be making a plate for my litho print tomorrow. my life seems so different now, it’s not filled up with other people’s bullshit. my free time is devoted to art and cooking.. sometimes watching movies. since i live in the market, i’ve been eating a lot better, no processed foods (which is something i have been aiming for, but had never been able to pull off). i just ordered a tripod so that i can start making my time-lapse video. i lived off of 40 dollars for two weeks, which was a pain in the ass, but i pulled it off. i received an overdraft fee for fucking .6 cents. son of a bitch. i’ve been dealing with a lot of drama trying to get my loan check that should have come ONE MONTH AGO. so there have been incredible financial difficulties, but i finally got paid yesterday, which means this weekend, which i have off, i am going to get fucking wasted. yes, this is my goal, and i cannot wait.

i am working on getting laura to come with me to city club on saturday. she’s doing this series about voyeurism, i keep telling her you’ve gotta come to this place.

really, i’ve just been focused on school shit and working on fixing up my loft, which is a job in itself. there are some crazy famous german painters coming to our studios next month, i need to get busy so i don’t look like a fucking medieval dickweed.

i came to a lot of realizations that day.. i’m really just a puppet.

my birthday is coming up in a month and i have had my birthday/halloween party in the back of my mind. it is going to be fucking sweeeet. i am going to have it on my birthday, devil’s night.. and i can’t wait.

ugh, i’m not feeling very motivated today. i’m on the rag so i’m bitchy and tired and just blah. i should be up in my studio painting right now, instead i’m in the computer lab being a douchebag.

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things about stuff

oooh iiiii, ohhoooo i’m still alive. i cannot pick up free wireless because i live in a gigantic concrete and brick room. a lot of things have gone on.. i don’t feel the need to write about it because i have other things i need to be doing and this just seems like a waste of time. the internet has become a resource and not entertainment.

i had my first show, which was exciting. i was told i have a bright future. i share a studio at school with emily, which is good. i am still in the process of revamping my loft which is a ridiculous amount of work because the place is bigger than most people’s houses and mopping/sweeping that floor is NOT fun. i seriously have a renovation team. it’s cool because everyone is super into it and my gratitude is enormous. i’ve been asked to photograph and write critiques of openings in detroit for a blog that could potentially become a big deal.. going to a meeting about that tomorrow.

cheers.

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more musings from the public library

yesterday, i went to the doctor for the first time in eight years, maybe nine. my UTI had gotten so bad that i couldn’t sleep and i was afraid it was going to spread to my kidneys. i went to a urgent care clinic, peed in a cup successfully pissed all over my hand, and was prescribed some hardcore antibiotics. there was this moment after i peed in the cup where i stood in the hallway holding my piss in this little bottle, looking for someone to give it to. i looked at the doctor and he told me to give it to this woman who had not yet put her gloves on. so she’s standing in front of me, madly putting on these gloves and it was completely awkward. i love situations like that. she says, “how are you doing” as she’s putting them on. i just gave her the “good,howareyou?” and finally was able to hand off my piss instead of standing there in this hallway like a fucking jackass holding urine.

the doctor’s visit was 70 dollars all together. i am not joking when i write that i was able to PRINT A COUPON FOR THE DOCTOR’S VISIT ONLINE TO SAVE 25 DOLLARS. only in america. the antibiotics cost 10 dollars and the other script was 13. the moral of the story is that there is hope for the uninsured in the US! i thought this was going to cost at least 300 dollars, and that i would have to wait all day. i was actually the only one in the waiting room. plus he gave me a doctor’s note since i missed a 9 hour shift at work. boo hoo.

have you ever known someone and then one day it just hits you, “this person is a FUCKING PIG and i want nothing to do with them?” i’m so over jordan catalono.

this morning i dreamt i was on the telephone with my current unobtainable crush, noel fielding. he was talking about how he needed a friend. i told him, “i can arrange that.” somehow i became pamela anderson and i was fucking tommy lee in a mirror, and i was telling someone in confidence that the infamous sex tape wasn’t actually stolen from their house, it was a friend of theirs who released it as blackmail.

i would like to take this moment to share two dreams that i thought were mind-blowing and actually made me jealous.

dalia was at the DIA on the sidewalk, and this girl came up and dropped her lipgloss. it was the same lipgloss dalia used and went to grab it. they fought over the lipgloss and dalia told the girl, “GO SUCK A GLITTERED DICK.”

rachel dreamt that there was a “mastermind of cover songs” who came up with this amazing concert. paul simon was onstage covering “what goes on in your mind” by the velvet underground (which she said was inspired by the sidebar on the main page of my blog). however, as if that wasn’t awesome enough, paul simon was playing a fruit roll-up wrapper and REEDS. this fucking jam went on for twenty minutes.

i am off to pack the rest of my shit.

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holy diver

i am watching olympic diving, and i thought, “if i were a gay man, i would be really into this.” however, as a not-completely straight lady, i suppose i should be drooling over these muscular dudes in their panties emerging from the water. not so much.

there is this great vegan cooking show on pbs create, “we’re not splitting atoms, we’re making pie crust.” i was driving to find some more boxes to pack my shit into, and mike judge was on NPR talking about this movie he made in 2006 about the de-evolution of the human race, where all of the intelligent people refuse to have children and only the stupid people are breeding. i can relate to this concept.

i was at my parents’ house yesterday and saw corey walking down the street. i ran out to talk to him, i hadn’t seen him in probably 10 years. he is playing the keyboard in a band. i didn’t bring up the fact that marge just died, i didn’t really know how to approach that subject. it was really good to see him.

i am getting really excited about moving on saturday. i don’t know if i mentioned this before, but this is the first time i’ve never been sad about moving. usually i’m packing up boxes and crying a little bit, all sentimental and thinking of the good times. however, i didn’t really have any outstanding great times here. i am fucking ELATED to be out of this insane asylum. i was really fucking lonely and ridiculously depressed in that tiny room.

i was on the phone with benjamin yesterday night and i was in this really strange mood and half-awake, he was talking about the renaissance festival and how he wants to go to it, all i kept asking about was:
1. can i joust there?
2. do they have chinese stars i can throw?
3. ARE THERE BOOMERANGS?

i’ve had this song stuck in my head for the past few days, i haven’t really listened to them in years but the lyrics have been haunting me and cracking me up, it was the biggest cock you’d ever seen..:

dalia sent me a text this morning and said that eamon wants to help me move too. i think that is really sweet. she said, “we both love you and we will do anything to help you” which made me really happy.

as jason once told me, real friends help you move, best friends help you move bodies.