voxetoile.internalbleeding

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a funny thing happened on the way to the wagon

i’ve made an official decision this morning after the events of yesterday night and puking my guts out this morning, despite being told once that i am a “glamorous puker,” that i am not drinking for one month. i’m serious. what happens in instances like this, i say “oh man i’m never drinking again” and then guess what? a few days later i’m at it again. i need to put a time frame on it to stick with it.

i’m not going to get into too many specifics about yesterday night because that would be horrible of me. myself, jason, jacob, josh, megan, chad, bryan and rob went to menjos. we got into the car and josh said, ”this song is for jenn,” some kelly clarkston thing about put the bottle down you’ve got too much talent. i’m thinking uhhh is this an intervention? a lot of drama ensued. i really like jacob a lot, which is jason’s boyfriend. really, who else can i talk about charles and ray eames, eero saarinen, and knoll with at this really vapid place with men walking around in their underwear? i hated to see him crying, it was killing me because he’s so damn sweet. someone dropped a glass and it cut open megan’s foot. other shit occurred.

when we went to leave, megan was going to drive and we were all packed into josh’s car like fucking clowns. then josh decided he was going to drive, and he had drank waaaaaay more than any of us. so i told josh no, he wasn’t fucking driving. then jacob got super pissed at him and started punching the seat. jason started yelling about how he was going to walk home. megan started crying and jacob told her “FUCK ME. oh wait, you’re a girl and that would be a new experience because i’ve never slept with a girl.” chad didn’t say shit until later i was trying to keep things amusing because it was so fucking tense, and i said bono was a douche and i guess that struck a nerve or something. jacob was the only one laughing at my bullshit. we got back to jason’s safe, luckily. i’m not going to get into what happened after that. this really isn’t the place. we all ended up crying.

with all of that taken into consideration and all that has gone on in my life over the past month or so, i’m just done with this kind of drama that could totally be avoided if everyone weren’t drunk out of their fucking minds. nothing good comes of it. i’m tired of making myself sick and nursing myself back to health in the morning. there are probably better ways to self-destruct. i’ve said before that i am afraid of success and you want to know why? because i am afraid of what i would do to myself. i fear becoming some kind of hardcore junkie, because there is this part of me that just really likes to fuck myself up. that same part of me that enjoys opiates a little too much.

so i was trying to sleep all of this off and of course, today was the morning that they were going to chop down this massive tree RIGHT NEXT TO MY WINDOW. then, my roommate starts playing “LET’S GET SOME SHOES,” who fucking has that burned to a disc????? it reminded me of this story josh was telling us yesterday night about how he asked one of his pharmacology friends for a tramadol and they gave him the wrong pill, and he fell asleep for 6 hours during the day. when he woke up to megan banging on his door, worried, all he said was, “let’s get some shoes.”

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can i have a big hand for myself for no reason whatsoever?

i woke up this morning, had some tea, and started painting right away. i then decided to go for a walk. i saw maria. when i was walking by the zoo, there was a camel and we were giving each other the stare-down, and the camel walked alongside the fence, following me.

i walked around for over an hour. i went to meijer to get a bunch of produce, and i saw darius. he was telling me that he was going to get a new phone and yadda yadda.. i wanted to say, you know what, you’re a sweet kid but i just don’t give a fuck. i’ve decided to avoid any processed foods again, we’ll see how this works out. i’m not going totally raw, although i felt great when i tried that a few years ago, it was very tricky. i’ve just been feeling really shitty and not eating well, which doesn’t help. so i came back here and made a vegetable curry.

i had my mp3 player on random and this galaxie 500 song came on, i remembered playing it on my guitar and singing, then leaving it on your voicemail. i realized i could not even imagine feeling posessed to do anything like that at all right now.  and i’m beginning to think that i’m really not ever going to feel that way again.

so, in light of what dalia and i were joking about the other day, how we need to make a survey for people who join our collective, i should make a survey to be my muse.

1. are you a son of a bitch?
2. are you creative, or is taking a shit about the only thing you produce?
3. do you drink more than i do?
4. are you a liar?
5. do you swallow death?
6. are you willing to obsess over me?
7. do you have a car?
8. are you willing to relocate?
9. do you like to dance and fuck?
10. are you ready to become my art editor and deal with incessant questions about general directions my life should take, so that i can blame you when it all goes wrong?

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oh, you have empty eyes

i’m sitting here watching my kids in the hall DVD set, and this was fucking cracking me up:

this morning was pretty shitty. another supervisor at my work asked me on saturday to switch shifts with her, i said yes and it seemed like this was an official thing, that she had talked to our manager. so part of me knew that something was fucked up about it, but i still went with her word. the shift i was supposed to take was 11-5, i was originally supposed to work 9-1:30. i get a phone call at 9:20 saying where are you?? i explained what the deal was. he wasn’t shitty to me about it or anything, i was surprised. to be completely honest, a part of me did this on purpose, knowing that it wasn’t super official just to kind of screw them over a bit and to sleep in. i showed up around 10. then the chick who pulled all of this bullshit didn’t come in until 2, so i was stuck there for an extra half hour. my brilliant plan backfired a little bit.

god, kids in the hall is killing me right now:

so after work i called up celina and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk because she’s the only person i know who understands the need to go walk around for hours on end. we went to cranbrook and this crazy ornate gothic church, the christ church of cranbrook, right by there.

it was insane and really beautiful inside the church. we walked through all of the gardens at the cranbrook house and it was very nice. we were checking out this pond and celina says, in her boston accent, “HEY LOOK THERE’S A DIRTY FISH.” people kept texting me and she said, “tell them you’re in therapy with your counselor.”

now i don’t know what to do for the rest of the day. i have this grand idea for a self-portrait in charcoal of a side view of myself with a bunch of knives stuck in my back. i need my fucking laptop to be fixed so i can make these visions a reality.

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another one bites the dust

i sometimes think of my life as a stage. lately, it seems like everyone in this deranged play has decided “fuck this, i’m out.” i found out today that erin isn’t going to CCS anymore. i understand this, but i also think it’s a stupid decision considering how talented she was.

the children’s hospital held a small reception for the artists who painted murals for them. everyone was very appreciative and really lovely. it’s nice to get some recognition for the hours upon hours we spend. our painting is hanging in one of the examination rooms in the cardiology unit. all of the doctors and the rest of the staff were very happy and greatful.

bela pointed out to me this article that my school put on their website about our zoo project. that fucker linus went in to the PR person and only submitted a picture of his own work, and not the group’s work. what a slimeball. dalia and i were just talking about how we don’t want to work with him anymore this morning on the phone, and then this happened. she said, “he was just using us,” and i told her, “well, we were kind of using him too. it was reciprocal.”

we were talking to grace, who is the art director at the children’s hospital, who i also knew from henry ford, and she said that you must have a certain kind of spirit to understand why volunteering your time to help others, in whatever capacity you can, is important. linus has ulterior motives, aside from being a complete douchebag and dalia was right when she said he was not doing this for the same reasons we are.

another one of the artists said our painting was “whimsical” and i could have just died right there.

i made a last-minute decision to go see sonic youth yesterday night. the timing was perfect actually, i walked in about five minutes before they started playing. they were really good.. and i don’t know why but i kept thinking, “they are so BAD ASS.” lee ranaldo is so great. i’m amazed that they’re still this good after so many years, that’s pretty rare.

i’m still feeling really disillusioned. i think i’m at the point where i can’t look to anyone else for help because it just backfires. everything is changing and i haven’t figured out if it’s good or bad yet.

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battle with depression part 2308473028

i’m getting that sinking feeling again. starting to grow weary about being so lonely all the time.

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things about stuff

at work earlier, my manager was being his usual OCD self and freaking out over everything. there was this display i was setting up, which consisted of a piece of cardboard you had to unfold. he said to me, “do you think you’ll be able to figure that out?”

i was so insulted by this that i had to just laugh. i looked him right in the eye and said, “gary. i am a genius. i’m not sure if you knew that or not.”

he laughed and said, “alright, well i will check back on you in a few minutes.” i had the fucking thing set up by the time he finished even saying that.

i went out to lunch with celina after work and told her i often thought about slashing his tires. she said to me, in all seriousness, ”DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIRES I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT SLASHING THIS WEEK?”

i’m watching the office, the one where he does that dance, fucking ricky gervais kills me. “i sort of fused flashdance with mc hammer shit.”

today i am going to finish up a painting and try to submit it for that show and take the lovely vicodin i procured the other day. i went to utrecht and got three new brushes, i was really excited about the brushes because i am lame like that.

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they must have never been shit

never before have i so completely agreed with someone’s opinion, with the exception of the songs he says are the best:

i once listened to champagne supernova 32 times in a row while tripping on acid.

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i’m falling and there’s no one to catch me

here’s what’s up. jason got kicked out of city club yesterday night. i became friends a few weeks ago with this kid brad that i met there. he was linked to two people i knew from there, and normally i don’t get wrapped up in shit like this, but he was a sweet person, which is unusual in that place. so we had been talking for a few weeks and then the deal was we were going to meet up there yesterday night. i hadn’t slept with brad or anything like that. jason came with me, and then this douchebag vampire kid josh comes up to me, normally he is very friendly and gives me a hug but he was giving me the second degree. i knew something was up.

so i go over by the bar and brad is sitting there with some chick, and doesn’t even say hello to me. jason knew other people within that group so he was talking to this other guy and i said, “i feel pretty sick. i’m going in the other room” and walked away. i approached josh and liz and asked what the fuck was going on. they said the chick he was with was his cousin (uhhh, fucking sick) and i had to practically pull josh’s teeth to get him to tell me what the hell happened. he said, “well brad is looking for a serious relationship.. and well.. you know. you kind of have a spotty memory when you’re here.” i said, of course i do. i’m always drunk when i’m here and it’s A FUCKING BAR. he also said something about how i “only want one thing.” so i stormed off and i asked jason to talk to brad and ask what the fuck was happening. next thing i know, jason is texting me saying he got kicked out. i had enough at this point and i told brad i wanted to have a word with him.. and this weirdo cousin chick was just standing there and i asked her to fucking leave and she wouldn’t until brad started yelling at her to go away. i asked him what was going on and he wouldn’t say shit. i told him “in about two seconds, this is going to be the last time you’re ever going to see me in your life” and then i noticed that chick talking to a bouncer. i told him i was fucking leaving and i shoved him and said THANKS FOR FUCKING LYING TO ME.

i walked outside and jason told me he had thrown a punch and that was why he got kicked out. brad had told him “i heard she’s a hit it and quit it kind of girl.” this obviously came from josh.  jason told him that none of them even fucking know me and i am practically a nun.

we went to another bar because i was really upset and needed another drink. jason kept telling me that i am his family and that no one fucks with me. we went back to his place, bryan and rob were still up and they had some dramatic night too, so we all started drinking more and doing shots, then i had to play counselor for them both. at one point i fell over and hurt my knee.  rob and i were talking in the kitchen for what seemed like an hour, i went out to the back deck and jason was lying face down on the deck. i had to pick him up. at some point i decided it was a great idea to call up brad to bitch him out, but i didn’t get that far because i basically said hello, then josh grabbed the fucking phone and said “DON’T CALL THIS NUMBER EVER AGAIN, CUNT.”

i didn’t fall asleep until 6am, i woke up around noon because i had to work the rest of the day. i asked jason for a xanax so that i could deal with work.

yeah. i’m really loving life right now.

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and people who are uglier than you and i, they take what they need and just leave.. but don’t mention love, i’d hate the pain and the strain again

i don’t really know why people come to me with their problems. i’m beginning to get really tired of listening to people complain all the time. yes, i am complaining about complaints. i don’t have some mystical powers to fix anything. i was woken up at 9am by the telephone, listening to some bitching and then another phonecall after that until 2pm of whining. it reminds me of when erin was saying something a few weeks ago and dalia told her “WELL WHY DON’T YOU JUST CRY LIKE A LITTLE BITCH?” which has become a personal favorite of mine.

i’ve been seriously considering moving to new york when i’m done with school in two semesters. celina really stuck a chord deep inside me yesterday night, sitting in her neighbor’s backyard, when i told her why i am basically being held back here in michigan, and she said, “you don’t owe them anything.” she’s right, and i’ll never forget that.

i’m getting really fed up with trying to make everything work when my life could be so much better. this is my life. i don’t want to be stuck under anyone’s thumb anymore. where i used to feel sympathy, i am starting to feel disgust. it’s strange how quickly perspectives can change. i think what was mistaken as compassion is really just pity and a sick attempt at comforting myself. the truth is that i am a person who prefers solitude, and it’s very rare that i actually feel lonely.. but when i do, i fill that up with other people’s bullshit that really has nothing to do with my own experience and i really don’t agree with most people’s outlook on life. i’ve begun to realize that it does me no good. this listening ear, constantly recording, has done nothing for me. i could tell you a story about a woman i know who woke up out of her sleep and set fire to her bedsheets with a book of matches. i could tell you a million personal secrets that no one has ever told anyone else. i don’t want to be your confessional anymore. nobody gives a flying fuck about my own problems, but when it comes to theirs, i’m expected to be the ONLY ONE who understands. and i guess i am an asshole for letting people believe that my relationship with everyone i know exists in this sort of vaccuum, that they are the only person in the world that i care about and everyone else is dirt. i suppose that is wrong of me. if everyone else is going to be selfish, well i can play that game too.

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“you are like a goddess”

it seems like all i’ve been doing lately is talking on the telephone. i heard a great story today of an MSR spotting at an opening at le petit zinc. he was downing stella artois, one after another,  devouring crepes like “he hadn’t eaten in a week” and speaking in french. i love it.

and now my phone is ringing again. i need to do some art work today instead of running my damn mouth and being everyone’s psychologist.  there is a show i’m trying to get into.. the deadline is july 9th. if i sell the painting, then i am buying a plane ticket.

i have at least 13 mosquito bites on my legs and they’re driving me wild.