voxetoile.internalbleeding

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siamese twins

have you ever hung around with someone (usually this phenomenon only occurs if it’s an “intimate” relationship), then you realize they look like someone else? someone NOT GOOD. everyone was rowing merrily along, then you can’t look at them the same way again and everything is ruined. you want to tell them to wear a wig or something. it first happened with the “vampire in brooklyn” comparison, now it’s ricky gervais and oh god. i keep thinking of that episode of the office where he’s doing that dance, “you know, it’s kind of flashdance fused with mc hammer shit.” fuck you, facebook doppleganger week.

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retard quiz to numb my brain

Do you have a reaso?n to smile? right? now?
not especially

Who was the last perso?n to text you?
dalia

Have you ever woke up next to someo?ne and were freak?ed out?
yeah, not to be recommended

What are you liste?ning to right? now?
the cure – disintegration

What was the last thing? you purch?ased?
toothpaste

Have you ever kisse?d someo?ne whose? name start?ed with the lette?r A?
i’ve probably kissed someone whose name starts with a fucking X

Are you looki?ng forwa?rd to anyth?ing?
finishing my worthless bachelors degree

Has any one said they loved? you today??
yes

What are you weari?ng on your feet?
pink argyle socks

Do you usual?ly have weird? dream?s?
it’s frequently a topic of conversation, and was even how i was introduced to someone this past weekend.

Do you like your bed?
it makes too much noise, even if i just roll over.

Have you ever been to New York City?
i have, i might go back this semester. we’ll see.

What are you think?ing about? right? now??
fighting with myself to not drink tonight

Has anyon?e gotte?n on your nerve?s latel?y?
my nerve endings are completely frayed, it doesn’t take much

Last night?,???? did you fall aslee?p smili?ng?
no, i’m lucky i even fell asleep

Have you lived? in a big city?
it depends on what is considered a big city. i think detroit is pretty big, and has a higher population than sacramento.. but it certainly isn’t fucking manhattan.

Is a best frien?d/????boyfr?iend/????girlf?riend? or ex pissi?ng you off at the momen?t?
sorry, i am too self-involved to even begin to take it out on anyone else

Are you in a good mood right? now?
i’m not in a bad mood, i’d say i’m in a weird mood, on the border of some major changes to my perspective

Are you on medic?ation? for anyth?ing?
no, i just steal other people’s scripts

Who woke you up?
my aunt posting some dumb ass shit on my facebook

Do you miss someo?ne?
i don’t know. i don’t really want anyone around me at all, yet i keep going out with people and having these fucking crazy conversations with random strangers like, “HOW DOES KNOWLEDGE BECOME WISDOM?” i need to find a better way to get my kicks.

How’????s your hair today??
kind of fucked up from my hat

What time did you wake up this morni?ng?
morning? ha! i slept through my favorite class because i just couldn’t do it today. i love my teacher but i probably would have gotten really frustrated with people’s stupid mouths in there that i wouldn’t just interrupt them this time, i might jump them in the parking lot.

Where? did you get the shirt? you’????re weari?ng?
it’s kind of a dress and not a shirt. a black dress and a black cardigan.

What’????s on your wish list for your birth?day?
not to turn 30

Does the futur?e make you more nervo?us or excit?ed?
there is nothing exciting about the future. it’s just more of the same old shit.

Do you firml?y belie?ve that every?thing? happe?ns for a reaso?n?
i do

Where? will you be in an hour?
driving home

Do you have a best frien?d to lean on?
i’ve realized i have a few less than i thought. it’s cheesy but that hole song comes to mind, “hey, where the fuck were you when my lights went out?”

Where? did you last fall aslee?p other? than your bed?
i find it hard to sleep anywhere else. maybe in a car but that was two years ago on the way to south carolina.

When someo?ne says “we need to talk”??,?? what runs throu?gh your mind?
i’m glad i don’t have to deal with that brand of bullshit anymore.

Does it bothe?r you when you text someb?ody and they take forev?er to text back?
no, i do the same thing. i don’t expect everyone to be at my beck and call.

Do peopl?e ever mista?ke you for being? a diffe?rent race?
yeah no

Do you want your phone? to ring at this momen?t?
i wouldn’t care one way or the other

What color? are your eyes?
green

Do you like Red Bull?
it’s quite putrid

What are your initi?als?
JLP

Tell me whats? on your mind?
what am i going to do when i get home?

Did you wake up in the middl?e of the night? last night??
yeah, i woke up at one and couldn’t fall back asleep so i watched “winter light” which is a mind-blowing movie.

Have you ever liked? someo?ne,?? then reali?zed you didnt??
yeah, that usually comes with extended conversations. it’s called “getting to know someone.”
ha! i am going to keep my original answer on that one.

What is the last non-??alcoh?olic bever?age you had?
water

Last time you were on the phone??
about 8 hours ago.

Do you watch? “The Hills?”???
i don’t watch tv.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last?
a girl

Is your myspa?ce profi?le priva?te?
do people actually use that anymore?

Do you own a piece? of cloth?ing with your schoo?l name on it?
i do, it was a free shirt

What is your favor?ite kind of tree?
i like all of them.

Have you ever been to a bonfi?re?
i haven’t.

What color? is your mouse??
i don’t have a mouse.

What brand? of lotio?n do you use?
kiss my face peaceful patchouli, and i use it every day.

Do you use bookm?arks or do you just fold the edge of the page over?
a little bit of both. it depends on the book, really.

Is the light? on in the room you’??re curre?ntly on?
yes

What is the most recen?t song you sang along? with?
love – maybe the people would be the times

Where? is your boy tonig?ht?
uhhh

Is there? a perso?n you don’??t like but talk to any way?
that is something i do not do. that would be a waste of time.

Do you talk to your neigh?bors?
i only see them in passing, and just say hello.

So, how’??s the weath?er?
fucking freezing

How many lette?rs are in your last name?
eight

What’??s the last kind of Vitam?in Water? you had?
fuck that shit

What are your plans? for today??
the day is almost over

What did you dream? about? last night??
i was at a friend’s grandparents house and i parked my car inside of the house. the grandfather was pissed because it was leaking oil all over. i couldn’t figure out how to get my car out of their house.

Is there? a guy who knows? every?thing? or almos?t every?thing? about? you?
yeah

Is there? a girl that knows? every?thing? or mostl?y every?thing? about? you?
yeah

Would? you rathe?r be calle?d hot, cute,?? or beaut?iful?
i think beautiful would be the highest compliment in this case.

Have you ever dropp?ed your cell phone? in water??
i haven’t

What were you doing? last night? at 11?
i was asleep, i think

What are you doing? tomor?row?
making shit up on what i should do

Do you use smile?y faces? on the compu?ter a lot?
i am guilty of doing that in text messages

Next time you will kiss someo?ne?
i don’t really care when that will be. i’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime.

Is there? one perso?n in your life that can alway?s make you smile??
yeah, a few people thankfully

What time did you go to bed last night??
i think i fell asleep around 9:30

Will this frida?y be a good one?
fridays are usually one of the best days of the week.

Is there? somet?hing you want to tell someo?ne?
yeah. fuck you.

What would? you say if your paren?ts said they were movin?g away?
i would be glad for them.

Is it awkwa?rd to talk to someo?ne you haven?’??t in a reall?y long time???:
it’s usually awkward talking to pretty much anyone, aside from those i am closest to.

Do you enjoy? cooki?ng?
yeah, but sometimes i wish i didn’t have to all the time.

Has anyon?e reall?y hurt your feeli?ng latel?y,?? inten?tiona?lly or not?
yeah, and i am still a little bitter about it

Are you good at makin?g peopl?e feel good about? thems?elves??
yeah, but i have to be feeling good about myself in order to get to that place

Do you wish you could? go back and chang?e anyth?ing about? your child?hood?
i think that childhood is about not having any kind of control. it would be impossible to change anything.

Have you ever been overs?eas?
i would like to.

What are you doing? this summe?r?
hopefully something exciting.

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but i can’t believe that you’d ever care, and this is why you will never care

i’ve been in this frame of mind for about a month now that hasn’t really gone away. if i had to give it a title, it might be something like “disenchanted guilt-ridden sinus-infected barely functioning hermit.” i have been analyzing everything to death. i now know who my real friends are. i don’t want to be in school any longer. i’m really disgusted by the people around me there who were at one time perhaps considered the outsider of whatever niche they found themselves in, you drop them into this fucked up institution and they just roll with every punch. i’m sick with what everyone turns into, myself especially. i luckily have a few people around me who are wondering what the fuck my problem is.

i just had this moment on saturday night, where i saw through everything, and saw who i really was. jacob and i were standing there crying to each other about some seriously heavy shit.. probably one of the most personal and intense conversations i’ve ever had with someone in my life, then someone would come up to us and ask, “hey guys! what’s your favorite movie?” i was stating my case to jacob that it is incredibly difficult for me to relate to anyone on any level. so i answered his question. i said, “well. i really like foreign movies. there is a director called wong-kar wai from hong kong who made “chungking express” which is one of my favorites. i also like the movie “stroszek” by werner herzog. how about you?”

“my favorite movie is the great outdoors with john candy.”

this guy came up to me later and asked me if i knew what enlightenment was. i said, “you tell me.” he said that it is understanding the past and the future, but living in the present. i told him that i had felt enlightened that night.

at one time i thought i could change the world. then you get older and realize it’s a lost cause.

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zzzzzzzzzzzz

i’m sick and i don’t like it. because of this sickness i missed the deadline to drop a class that i don’t want to be in. this made me really fucking mad. it seems like every single week, something school-related has pissed me off to the point of wanting to.. do something. i don’t know what, but something. and it’s only the second week of school. son of a bitch.

let’s see.. i’m trying to think of shit that happened. i invited someone i’m seeing to come out for drinks with me and my friends the other night, and he was just hanging out. then i asked him to come over afterwards and he said he had to work early in the morning. what the fuck makes you think i actually want to just HANG OUT with you? are you kidding me? i swear to god i’m about to go back to a life of nunnery because this shit is ridiculous.

i am too tired to even continue writing this shit. i just.. ughhhhhhhh!

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yes! michigan, the feeling’s foreevverrr

that old commercial was just rewritten in my mind, “yes! michigan, the pain lasts foreverrrr.” i’m starting to believe that the only people who really can survive and enjoy living in this state are sadomasochists. i spent three hours on the plane back here from california on two vicodins, flying over the mountains and listening to blonde redhead, it was really quite an enjoyable experience. i need to fly more, because you are forced to focus on the task at hand. i spent three hours writing down different ideas for my art work.

as for the trip, i really don’t feel like writing a play-by-play. i had a nice time, and it was good to feel some love again. there was a LOT of amazing vegan food, but as hard as i tried, i couldn’t manage to get drunk. this is probably for the best.

i realized the other day that some people might consider me quiet or shy, but the REAL truth is that i’m just a narcissistic asshole. if i don’t like you, then i don’t waste my time talking to you. and you know what? i’m okay with that. it’s not right and it’s not fair, but that’s just how i roll.

this semester is going to be a strange one. wednesdays will be the worst, class from 8 am – 10 pm, but i can deal with it knowing i only have school tuesday, wednesday and thursday. i have to do what’s right for me and not break my fucking back just so i can ride alongside my friends. i’m kind of conflicted about not being in studio this semester, it feels like when a “magician” pulls out a tablecloth from the table but all the fucking glasses fall over. i know it’s the right thing, though. i’m never getting out of this fucking place.

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so you’re digging your grave, now you’re speaking my language, i’ll help you dig it

mele fuckin kelikimaka and all that jazz. it hasn’t felt like christmas for many reasons..

1. i don’t work in retail hell.
2. i don’t have a television.
3. i haven’t gone shopping in any stores where they shove that shit down your throat.
4. i don’t listen to the radio, i’ve actually only heard one or two christmas songs.
5. other shit.

so it’s been quite nice, despite spending the past two days in a hospital room with my mother. situations like that always put everything in perspective, and it shows you who your real friends are.. and how happy others are going along with their mundane lives eating fucking saltine crackers completely oblivious to someone being in the depths of profound sorrow.

recently, i have been sleeping with someone different every week. this keeps things quite amusing and also very dramatic when these people inevitably end up in the same room together. i am super stealth about it, but sometimes that doesn’t work out so well.

a person who shall remain nameless wanted me to spit in his mouth after my last party. “just let it drip slowly into my mouth,” he told me. i feel like my life gets crazier every day. there are a million things i’ve wanted to write about here, but the truth is that they are completely inappropriate. the level of debauchery has hit an all-time high, and i’ve been having a blast. however, i am looking forward to getting out of detroit next week and going back to california. detroit is like this strange world and i always feel fucking weird when i leave. it just feels.. wrong.

i love my friends and i am really lucky.

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words for you to piece together in order to formulate an idea of who i am, or who i want you to think i am

i have so much to write about that i don’t even know where to begin, or what to include.. or disclude. that’s not a word but it should be. the past five days have been completely insane. worlds are colliding between two people i am “seeing” or whatever you want to call it. one girl goes to school with me, she is also a fine artist. it’s about as stupid as sleeping with someone you work with. i haven’t figured out yet if it was a mistake, but she knows all of my friends and i guess that makes it a little too close for comfort. i am really hating school so this is how i amuse myself, by creating these ridiculous situations that rear their ugly heads every once in a while. i am not going to disclose any details because it will come back to haunt me.

i haven’t made anything in a few days except a mess. at first, not having a job meant i worked more on my art. recently, it’s meant that i go out a lot more (i’ve been out the past four days in a row), and get wasted. this semester is over in 18 days, i’m trying to get my shit together. i’m really unfocused and the truth is that i don’t care anymore. i just want to live my life and not be tied down by this fucking school 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

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wow

i didn’t go upstairs to the print room. i decided to look back and see what i was writing a year ago. i realized that not only am i a genius, but i am absolutely fucking hilarious. i am laughing so hard in the computer lab that i was crying. i slay me. this is why i am never bored, because i always amuse myself.

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tales from the basement of the walter b. ford

there’s is a “mobile HIV testing unit” parked here at school today. laura and i went to lunch, we came back and she asked what it was. i said, “if i had AIDS, i wouldn’t want to find out in a FUCKING VAN.”

i’ve been working incessantly on my art. it’s a good feeling. i generally feel like a different person now that the oppressive technicolor shithole isn’t a part of my life. as strange as it sounds, i don’t mind admitting that this is the first time i’ve actually felt like an adult. i answer to no one, i am completely responsible for my own actions, i’m not tied down by anything except school. or maybe i am truly getting to know myself, and i only had a faint grasp of my own identity but it was clouded by those who surrounded me. living on my own was the best decision i have ever made, and i love it. when i was working in hell, i had to act like a certain person that i am not and really my own personal conflict was with that fake fucking attitude you have to put on when working with the public. i felt like every day i was just an actress playing a role that i absolutely loathed. now i hear that love song playing in my head, when arthur lee sings, “everything i’ve seen needs rearranging, and for anyone who thinks it’s strange.. then you should be the first to want to make this change, and for everyone who thinks that life is just a game, do you like the part you’re playing?”

as far as the romance novel is concerned, a tiny part of me feels bad about this somewhat recent development of using people and throwing them away. a larger part of me doesn’t care because i am upfront with everyone that i do NOT want to be in a relationship. i don’t even like these people; however, they are pretty, but quite stupid, which ensures that i will not get attached to them. jason has dubbed me an honorary gay man. i see all of these people in relationships and they are absolutely miserable and always in some kind of argument, clinging to each other like one of them is about to fall off a fucking cliff. i don’t believe in doing that to myself anymore. i don’t need those games, it’s a waste of time.. like writing this when i should be typesetting upstairs.

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feed me with your kiss

so this is what’s happening. i’ve been super sick, went to urgent care twice in a month. feeling a bit better now but it seems like every day just gets crazier and crazier. wednesday, i sat in on a critique where kevin was dressed head to toe in middle eastern dress.. whatever the technical term is. he started playing music and then ripped the dress off.. revealing nothing but a jock strap and purple corset. he was dancing around in his heels with his head covering on. i saw his asshole a million times, and there is video footage of me yelling, “LAURA. YOU JUST GOT TEABAGGED DUDE.” a conversation before that with chad established the term “cannibalistic enema.” i was making prints for 12 hours that day, ahhh and there is kevin walking by my window right now. speak of the devil. i can’t believe how many people are here at school on saturday. we’re all sick in the head.

so i’m mainly writing to purge out this entire mess i have made due to drunken and high antics. a confessional, if you will. i saw alice yesterday night, she and i made out a few weeks ago. then she was afraid to talk to me at school, even though we witnessed that kevin performance together because that critique was for her class. then she lays all of this crazy shit on me yesterday night about how she’s had a crush on me for a long time, she feels like she has a connection with me and hasn’t felt that way about anyone in a long time, and that she broke up with her boyfriend because she made out with me, then starts begging me to go home with her. meanwhile, josh is sitting on the other fucking side of me listening to this shit and it turns into, “why the fuck are you with him? why are you going home with him? we can have a conversation about shit that he will never even know about.”

i said, “oh yeah, like what?”

“the pope.” the fucking pope?! it turned into this whole ridiculous tug-of-war situation of her kissing me when he wasn’t around, then when she would leave he would be kissing me.. she would walk by and get all pissed off like she owned me. meanwhile, i am doing this as some kind of outlandish show to possibly irritate kevin. this garbage is spiraling out of control. every weekend it’s the same thing of “why are you with so and so, you should be with me.” i don’t want any of them. i’m playing stupid games. AND I’M GOING TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN TONIGHT.

anyway, i’m going to do what i came here to do and get to typesetting. my print is going to be in a worldwide online archive for the mutanabbi street project, i was the only one chosen from my class. let’s do this.

i’m having a party next saturday, FUCKING COME TO IT. everyone is still talking about the last one.