voxetoile.internalbleeding

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shoulder hooping

i don’t use this blog as a tutorial, but i want to discuss one of the more difficult aspects of advanced hooping, and the trick that took me the longest to learn: shoulder, or chest hooping.

here’s the big secret, you need grip tape on your hoop. some people use gaffer’s tape, i have no idea where you’d buy such a thing. i went to the sporting goods store and bought the kind people wrap on their hockey sticks. the colors suck, but you could always buy white and alternate with a colored electrical tape. also, a small hoop will make this trick IMPOSSIBLE. i am telling you. i got so frustrated, i bought a shit ton of pvc pipe and made the biggest hoop, it was also quite heavy.

THE GENERAL IDEA

now, many people will tell you this has something to do with your shoulders, or chest. it really doesn’t. the action is really only with your upper arms. you must imagine that, while keeping your arms straight and at your sides, you are passing a ball from one hand to the other, continually around your body. if you hoop to the left, as i do, you will need to force some momentum. this is done by popping your right shoulder.

HOW TO PRACTICE

start by holding your hoop at your chest and spinning. naturally let your body try and figure how to keep the thing up. this move is really, really hard to do without spinning along with the hoop, thereby slowing it down. don’t worry yet about how you’ll get the hoop up to your chest from your waist – that’s an entirely different set of problems, but it will come to you once you figure out the shoulder hooping on it’s own. you will get frustrated. you will think you’ll never get this. i know i did, but you have to practice a lot, and it’s very rewarding once you get it. i read a lot of tutorials, watched many videos, but you’ll only get it if you try.

try to close your eyes and feel the hoop, and move with it. don’t try to control it too much. the difference between hooping around your waist and chest, is that you can bump it with very little effort around your hips, but you need to work the shit out of it to get it going around your torso.

GETTING IT FROM YOUR WAIST TO CHEST

the secret: when you have an opening, drop both arms in quick, keeping them straight, and bend your knees. this is essential. you are bringing your body DOWN, not moving the hoop up.

think of it like you are dropping yourself in. as you drop your arms, start spinning with the hoop. when the hoop is at your left arm, shrug your shoulder UP, and keep spinning. then begin the shoulder popping with your right arm. it’s a movement similar to throwing a discus, but more contained.

your left side will be somewhat static, and right arm doing all the popping. i heard this once described as “paddling,” which helped. think of it like you are threading a belt through loops.

success is in mental visualization, and tons of practice. hope this helps!

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bill nye the science guy

we now have a new member of the monastery, her name is nye. she’s from the hard streets of detroit. we’ve fed her for months since she was a little kitten. my neighbor left his cat when he moved and had a litter of kittens that lived in an abandoned warehouse down the block. now that it’s getting really cold, we had to make a tough decision. we brought the friendliest one in, matt captured her in a carrier. she’s now hanging out in my bathroom. she was freaked out yesterday night and spazzing in the carrier, but she seems happy and calm today. she came to me and let me pet her, and was purring. i don’t know a damn thing about cats, except that i am allergic to them. hopefully we can rehabilitate this cat so she can find a good home. she’s very sweet and super cute.

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poptones

i remember the first time i heard “poptones” by pil. it was on my college’s radio station. i felt like i had waited my entire life to hear that song, at that very moment, it encapsulated everything i had ever hoped for in music.

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sorry for the things we’ve seen

the strange thing about getting older is that the context of a certain song can change. inexplicably enjoying something you either hated, or felt neutral about. something so simple can blow your mind, when it finally clicks.

Spoiled children soon to fall
Freedom is the lie we live
We will wait for tragedy
And scatter helpless to the fire
Sorry for ourselves
Sorry for the things we’ve seen
No one cries for help
Waiting for the fire
When all our toys are burning
All these empty urges must be satisfied
Acted outside
Precious strength to turn the game to history
Giving up, I’m blown away
He said all I had to say
The final days have come and gone
Safe inside; there’s nothing wrong
Nothing in these words
Sorry force of habit
Could it be way over my head?
Helpless to describe it
Could it be way over my head?
Helpless to describe it
Could it be way over my head?
Helpless to describe it
Dumb & cruel
Cut before it’s grown
Lies so forced in bored control
It learned all that it cares to know

maybe it’s the daniel johnston-inspired raw approach to this song. the strange strings at the end. there really is a lot more going on here than i ever gave sebadoh credit for. every time i think of lou barlow, i remember an anecdote in “our band could be your life” where j. mascis described how disturbed he was by lou barlow sucking on a stuffed cookie monster’s plastic eyeball on the tour bus.

regardless, i feel like this song is more appropriate today, in 2011, than it was when it released.

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on recovery

i didn’t understand the severity of how substance abuse effects your psychological makeup. quitting wasn’t hard. the social aspect, changing how i lived, distancing myself from people who i drank with.. that was the difficult part. what i never expected was all of the shit that i was running away from, that i never dealt with and just tried to drown, it came back at me, full force.

i have heard that it is a bad idea to use drugs and alcohol when you a mourning, because it only prolongs the process. i never comprehended why, until now. you will one day face reality, and you won’t have that crutch, or that filter that softens the blow. yet, my mind is still racked with turmoil, and i don’t have the proper mental skills to deal with this shit that haunts me. i never dealt with it. i am in the process of changing my perspective.

i have been an alcoholic for ten years, if not longer. it’s difficult to know when it really began. i know when everything fell apart, and i found different drugs and alcohol, until it became a severe problem. i didn’t know why i sought these things out. i do now, and it’s very easy to connect the dots. these events and memories aren’t going to ruin my life any more. i can’t let the past dictate my future in some kind of perpetual victimhood. what i find disturbing is that i may have never reached this clarity. if i had still continued on, drinking until i puked every single day, poisoning myself… it’s an ugly thought.

i always chastise those with a martyr complex. it’s because i couldn’t accept that part of myself. deep down, i knew that’s what i was doing. suffering out of some sense of eventual reward. some outside force finally redeeming me. for despising religion, that certainly sounds religious to me. betraying and punishing myself in hopes of someone saving me. it’s pathetic, really.

so i am saving myself. and yes, i need support. but i don’t need a fucking savior.
all of this shit is going in a landfill. or burning. all of those awful words and actions. i am not powerless to them.

i am not going to be held captive by my past.
i am going to create a better future for myself, one that i deserve. full of love, and laughter. i am not going to be afraid anymore.

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jobby job

i understand why people give up looking for a job. there is a point where you think “WHAT IS THE USE?” i can’t really begin to describe the complete mindfuck that has gone on since i graduated. my job seeking process is as follows:

apply for any shit job
take the time to write a cover letter
repeat 5-10 times per day

this has gone on for about five months. i have begun to question myself, when i know it’s not my fault. it goes a little something like this:

what is wrong with my resume?
am i overqualified?
am i underqualified?
did the resume not upload correctly?
is my phone number not correct on the resume?
did i waste four years and over 100,000 dollars?
do i not have enough experience?
should i lie on my resume?
should i sell drugs, since no one has the decency to even respond to my emails?
should i kill myself?
should i go back to school? (this is a question i answered, and will be going to get a degree in which i am pretty much guaranteed decent employment)
should i become a stripper?
should i become a prostitute, or get into pornography?
is it because i live in detroit?
is it because i’m a woman?
is it because i went to an art school and people don’t think that’s a “real” education?
is it because i have so much competition for these jobs, and some people are more qualified?
how can i sell my art, when no one wants to buy it?
how else can i make money, because this traditional way of applying for random jobs, half of which are scams, is obviously not working?

this is what i think about every day, and will continue to think about until i find some miraculous way to make some goddamn money.

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how to find your purpose

THE BASIC TECHNIQUE
This technique allows you to identify your purpose by bypassing the conditioned thought associations relating to ‘permission’ and ‘disapproval’ syndromes:

1. Identify what you like about yourself.
i like that i can make everyone laugh, and that i care about people.
2. Identify how you most like spending your time.
sitting in a bathtub on certain substances reading a book and listening to music. laughing with my boyfriend. laying next to him. making art.
3. Imagine your idea of a perfect world.
everyone understands the horror of industrialized animal slaughter for food and becomes vegan, they cook delicious meals that they like sharing with their friends. we can all have fun together and not live under oppression and stress. no one is poisoning themselves with cigarettes and alcohol, they wouldn’t feel the need. people don’t judge and condemn each other. everyone creates things they enjoy and share with each other, and not for monetary ends. people are free. everyone knows what it feels like to be truly loved, and to love others.

Your purpose is what links these three things together. In other words, it is the way you can use your favourite characteristics, abilities and attributes in activities you like best, to manifest your vision of a perfect world. Don’t be deceived by the simplicity of this technique.

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the fool

becoming a facsimile of yourself
the horror show memories
bitten, bloody fingers
hiding your shaking hands
i can hear you calling

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you know i’ve seen you headed for troubled times thinking maybe i could change your mind, before i change mine a thousand times

it’s only life that will bring you down
a nervousness that keeps you down
of all the dreams about my past
i always dreamed that this would last

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what part of “i need money desperately” don’t you understand?

matt and i were looking up all of these stupid people we hated in school. the weird thing is that a few of them are all goth now. what the hell is that? you wait 15 years and decide, as an adult, to explore your gothicity? it really only makes sense if you understood the living hell we went through back then.

i really wish i could figure out a way to make some money. i keep applying for jobs and it seems like i’d be better suited just spending my time emailing my resume to random email addresses. people don’t even have the professional courtesy to respond and say they received it anymore. it’s awful. i don’t know, i’ll figure it out. i’ve asked people if they want to buy art. i’m about to go draw caricatures in fucking greektown. i can see why people resort to crime and porn.

i just need to figure out how to make 800-900 dollars a month. i wish matt could find a job too.

i’ll keep trying, but time is running out. i hate this.
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